Everyone wants passion in their relationship. They want to feel a connection and a sense of intimacy and adventure with their partner. But sometimes the connection withers and the relationship suffers. What can you do to recover what you had? How can you address lack of passion in a relationship? You don’t want to throw away everything you’ve worked so hard for – this is a person you love! So, how do you discover how to reignite passion in your relationship?
When addressing why there’s no passion in your relationship, you must investigate yourself first and find a clear reason. What’s the cause of the stagnation? Maybe you live comfortably with your partner, but you’re missing a sense of deep emotional involvement. The relationship is okay – and that’s it. Or maybe you both just quit putting in the effort you used to because you’re so busy with your career, kids and other obligations. Whatever the cause, there’s no passion, no more excitement and no growth.
Wherever you’re coming from, what lengths do you go to figure out how to get passion back in your relationship?
1. TO MASTER YOUR RELATIONSHIP, FIRST MASTER YOURSELF
Remember when you and your partner first met? When you were first together, you always gave it your all because your partner’s love woke you up to the gift of life. You worked so hard to come up with creative ideas for dates and conversations and you strove to show the very best of you no matter the circumstances. You consistently innovated, coming up with effective new ways to make your partner feel loved, unique and cherished.
When did that stop and why? What is passion in a relationship if it’s not ongoing?
In the beginning of your relationship, you achieved love and happiness because you were fully, unquestionably committed to meeting your partner’s needs! And guess what? You were feeling a deep level of joy and fulfillment, despite all that work, because your extraordinary devotion was making your partner happy and you were building a lasting, deep connection. Those powerful positive emotions you felt were reflected back to your partner and that sharing made them even more positive.
2. BUILD TRUST
Because trust is a key part of how to get passion back in your relationship, you need some effective strategies for increasing it. So how do you start building trust again when you feel you’ve lost it? Here’s a 5-stage plan that works.
Stage One: Commit to putting your partner’s needs first and declare that absolute commitment to your partner. Say this: “I love you no matter what, irrespective of what we’re talking about now or ever.”
Stage Two: Create heartfelt emotion for your partner so you can both heal and feel loved; stop, breathe deeply, hold each other and connect. Stay here until you eclipse negative feelings with love and gratitude.
Stage Three: Share your true feelings, and listen to your partner’s thoughts carefully, without judging, correcting or fixing. Accept their feedback and respond with love. When communicating, make sure you utilize all of the important verbs that make up the language of love such as to give, receive and play.
Stage Four: Lack of passion in a relationship is often the result of not enough shared interests, experiences and goals. Align your needs with your partner’s so you can connect with a common vision for your relationship and future together.
Stage Five: Always end any tough conversations with some act of love, such as a hug, a promise or a kiss. If you can’t do this, you need to repeat each of the previous stages until you are able to feel at peace with each other.
Simple enough, right? Now commit to it, practice it and master your relationship. Over time, these actions will become second nature.
3. WHAT ARE YOUR PARTNER’S NEEDS ?
Do you want to feel that passion like you did on the first day you met? You may be ready to listen and give, but how do you know what it is that your partner wants? How does your partner best understand what you’re trying to give? When addressing lack of passion in a relationship, you must get clear on what it is your partner truly needs from you – even if they don’t know how to communicate it.
Most of us have a perceptual bias in the way we communicate. Is your partner more of an auditory person who likes to talk and listen? Or, are they more receptive to visual input, preferring lots of eye contact or seeing your words put into action? Perhaps your partner prefers kinesthetic communication or the stimulus of touch and needs to have physical reassurance on top of verbal communication. If you can’t speak their “love language,” you will find that no passion in your relationships will be an ongoing issue.
Pay attention to your partner’s communication cues. If you know their perceptual bias, you can adjust your communication style to work in tandem with theirs and ultimately find out how to get passion back in your relationship. By being sensitive to each other’s biases, you will both get more of the excitement and affection you want.
Once you’re on the same page as your partner, you can work to better understand how to meet each other’s needs. These manifest in as many ways as there are people, but they all come back to six fundamental human needs.
1. The first human need is certainty, the need to be comfortable, enjoy pleasure and avoid pain. A person with masculine energy can meet the certainty need by being emotionally present, open and honest for their feminine energy partners, even when they are upset. Someone with feminine energy can meet this need by showing their masculine energy partners that their love is unconditional – not just saying so, but being present and refraining from withdrawing even when things go wrong. Little to no passion in a relationship is often the result of uncertainty – but not the beneficial type of uncertainty.
2. Uncertainty is the second human need, because we can exercise and demonstrate our physical and emotional range only when challenges and variety are present. Each relationship has masculine and feminine energy (we’ll dive into that more later). Masculine-energized partners can meet this need by initiating surprise dates or token gifts with their feminine partners. Feminine partners can meet this need by being more provocative, and by, for those looking to spice up the bedroom, surprising physically. Lack of passion in a relationship can sometimes be the result of simple boredom, so injecting a little uncertainty into romantic encounters can shake up the routine and reignite passion.
3. The third is to feel significant, needed, special and wanted. Anyone can meet this need by thinking of different ways they can show their partner how important they are. What small thing can you do today, this week or this month to show your partner that there is no one else on Earth who could take their place? What can you do to show how grateful you are for their love? How can you show them their uniqueness is appreciated? When you focus on being your partner’s number one fan, how to get passion back in your relationship becomes much easier.
4. Fourth is love and connection with others. You can best meet this need for your partner by understanding how they experience the world and how they prefer to receive love. If your partner is very visual, they will love it if you gaze into their eyes or wear their favorite clothes; if your partner loves thoughtful gestures, even a small gift will mean the world to them.
5. The fifth human need is growth, because without emotional, intellectual and spiritual development we cannot rise to our potential. This is true of individuals, but it’s just as true for relationships. If you’re not growing, you’re dying. Put in the work that it takes to understand each other and find innovative ways to make things work for both of you to address lack of passion in your relationship.
6. Finally, the sixth need is contribution and giving. Giving is the secret to wealth and fulfillment. What would you do to make the person you love happy? Would you expect something in return or is seeing them in a beautiful state enough? When we give without expectation and focus on appreciation, we give passion a place to flourish.
4. COMMIT TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP
If the relationship is worth committing to, you need to take risks and make sacrifices to provide elements of uncertainty and passion. Go back to the question of what you would do for the one you loved. Anything, right? If you’ve mastered yourself and you’ve achieved clarity in, and focus on, your outcomes, what’s stopping you from meeting them? What’s stopping you from doing everything possible to make your partner happy and figuring out how to get passion back in your relationship?
If you haven’t committed and you’re weighing your options, your relationship is dying. You already have one foot out of the door. What do you truly want? What is it that you’re after? If you’ve achieved that level of personal mastery and you’re focused, you must commit. Commit to working through conflict and communicating openly with your partner. Commit to meeting their needs and to creating joy in your relationship. Commit to changing and addressing no passion in your relationship today.
What risks have you been avoiding in your relationship? How have you put yourself out there? What have you given or added to the relationship?
Experiment with ways of giving. Be creative and watch to see what your partner responds to the best. When you see patterns, think about what those things have in common and give your partner more. Don’t give up if you try something that doesn’t work. Trial and error is part of the process and being flexible will lead to fixing lack of passion in a relationship. Just keep watching and talking to your partner and learn as much from your failures as you do from your successes. Indeed, it’s only failure if you failed to learn.
Don’t let fear restrict your willingness to give, grow and learn. Remove whatever barriers you might have erected to protect yourself in moments of pain or sorrow. Intimacy demands laying yourself bare and opening yourself up. Don’t expect to succeed without a true, deep connection with your partner. This can be challenging, but you can do it, and you’ve already started by acknowledging your barriers and letting them down – so relax, breathe deeply and enjoy yourself. Feeling no passion in your relationship can more easily be addressed once protective walls come down.
5. build common projects together
Create alignment in values and outcomes between you and your partner. It’s natural and even desirable to have some differences when it comes to interests and day-to-day activities, but it’s important to ensure that you and your partner are working together in the same direction. Compatibility is all about aligning values and outcomes.
Committed, successful couples appreciate and recognize their differences, and see them as sources of excitement and enrichment, not conflict. This is key to alignment: seeing differences in real situations as positive pieces of a thrilling relationship that is rich with uncertainty, yet aligned enough on the important things to be stable and fulfilling.